sadness

Today, I went to two memorial services for soldiers that died.  When we were at Ft. Riley, I think I went to at least one a week while Dave was deployed. My battle buddy, Suzanne, and I decided it was the right thing to do even if the soldiers were not from our battalion.  Fortunately, we only had two from the battalion, for those were tougher.  As time went on, we ceased crying at them..and worried that we were getting too jaded at the loss of life to care.  I wondered if I ever would cry at them again.  I think emotionally, we were probably just too overwhelmed and had to compartmentalize our feelings somewhat. We were always sad at the loss of life, fearful that it could be us receiving that knock at the door, and trying to soldier on pretending that we were strong enough to just deal with it all.  Now, 3 years later and some time away...I can shed tears for the soldiers who died, and the families who grieve without worrying that if I do I will lose control and never stop crying.  I find myself finally letting the wall down and letting myself be happy and sad without being so sad that I can't deal with it. It's a step in the right direction.  I hope I've also learned that it is okay to lean on others a bit, and let my worries and fear show, and to not pretend to be superwoman.